At the age of 18 and a little bit more, I should be all grown up -- physically and emotionally. Should be.After all, I'm legally an "adult" : I need no guardian, I need no permission from parents, I need no one to supervise me. Apparently. Ideally, that should be the case, but I feel like I've left the nest too early.
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I've always been the "late" one. Everybody's teeth were falling out already and my baby teeth were still strongly rooted to my gums. I couldn't wait, but what could I do other than constantly push my teeth with my tongue, hoping that I would loosen the grasp of the roots, wishing for them to give way, so that I too, can have a little gapping hole or two in my smile.*
Everybody else's hair seem to grow faster than mine. I couldn't wait, but what can I do?*
Everybody I knew wore glasses. Well, that's what I thought. Both my parents wore glasses, my siblings too -- I was the only one who didn't. I couldn't wait to "spoil" my eyes.The day I found out I was long sighted, I was delighted at the idea of finally getting glasses, thinking that I looked ten times smarter than I really was.*
Now, just like those times, I can't wait.
I can't wait for myself to grow up. I'm eighteen already, but emotionally still of a young kid. A young kid who misses everyone at home ( Mel and XV included ).
I try. I really do. I reaaaaaaaaaally try to blend in, strike up a conversation with classmates who never acknowledged my presence.Took the first step by lending my notes, lending a pencil, an eraser, a pen... ... but I still can't seem to be accepted. Not that the lack of friendship is bothering me, but I just want to settle down. And by settling down, I mean I want to find a group of people I can look forward to seeing everyday -- just like at home.
Right now, I see myself as Chong Mei Ting no.2. No offence to her, but I'm her perfect clone. The great and more important part is that I'm taking my studies seriously; the bad part? I guess I'm THE nerd and missing out on the fun of being accepted and having a group of friends I can fool around with.
You wouldn't believe me if I said I'm actually happy being The Nerd. This contradicts everything I said above,but I'm actually happy spending my free time doing my homework, i'm actually happy spending my free time reading story books, I'm actually happy spending my after school hours at the public library -- reading and doing my homework, sipping coffee and eating a bagel for my "tea break". But I know,and you know and she knows and he knows and everyone knows, people can't live without friends,even if they do,it's a life wasted,because with friends, you can get so much more from Life. And if I really sit down and think about it, I'll have so much more fun here if I had friends. And I mean friends that click with me, friends that I'll be grateful for knowing,friends that I'll say "Thanks for being my friend" to. I can't wait to find these people, if only they're somewhere out there, waiting to be seeked.
Anyway, as i was saying,unlike Li May who wants to stay in neverland forever and ever (=P) , I want to grow up so badly.Just because I want to leave my childish longing for home behind. Not that I don't want to remember you guys, but it's sad for me to remember. I reminisce over the smallest things -- Potassium manganate solution (VII) -- grape juice and fooling Pn.Viji. Just imagine that!
And to conclude that point, I'll say it again :
I can't wait to grow up, get outta my shell, meet the right people and settle down. As if I'm in any position to control all that but yes, I can't wait.
I just want to be strong. Despite telling everyone to be strong and that they can do it, I can't seem to be strong myself ! I want myself to be emotionally stronger, to withstand all this feelings, and not be swept away by the strong winds of i-miss-everyone-i-hate-this-school-this-people-wish-my-friends-are-here. I just can't wait.
I can't wait to grow up, be strong. I'm independant -- yes and no. I can get around, I can take care of myself, but what I can't do, is get a grip. Unlike XV and Mel who tell me (or rather, us) that they rarely call home, [because they're so busy and have no time to miss anyone (=P) ] , I find myself talking to my mum practically every week, and now that my sister is in Europe, my mum calls me everyday. Yes, mummy's little baby girl. It's nice to see myself doing some "bonding" here, but I'm supposed to be independantly striving, not talking to my mother about everything under the sky, as if I were at home.
And since Mel doesn't read my blog, I can say it here. It's undeniable that she's grown up so much overnight. And I'm so envious of her. I just wonder if there'll be a time when I could be as seasoned and at home in a foreign place as her. Joining activities, learning learning learning, growing growing growing.If there's a possibilty, and there's a chance, I can't wait to grab it.
If only I was sure that this day will come for me : The day where I will look back and laugh, just like how I laugh at the incident about baby teeth, hair, glasses... And if it really is there,I can't wait for this day to materialise before me.
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