Alone for real?

I feel like i'm lapsing backwards, going through the same -loneliness- i went through then.Then,Amanda and I were the only 1a5 ppl in class and Amanda isn't exactly my kinda best-friend-material.So I felt damn lonely and was grumpy and moody every day.

And just when I thought my schooling life is a goner,and I'm like stuck in the same mood every single day,I found a great friend,and a great gang to hang out with.
I got closer to Mel,Ter-Yi,Siew Thong and Ting King during form 3.Especially Mel.

We don't listen to the same music,she goes online everyday,while I don't,she watches TV and I don't,she doesn't play the piano and I do....we are totally opposites,except the fact that our names are -almost- similar,we both have a sister and a brother,we both go to the same tuition and are in the same class in school...see?it's just so unimportant,these things we share in common.

And it was like the happiest year in my schooling life!! And then Mel had to go Singapore..leaving me here all alone.Even Pn.Poh's tuition is crappy.Believe me ,mel,it's freaking BORING without you.And class isn't the same!I can't really say "BUT PN.POH SAID.....!" or "TEACHER IS WRONG-lar,PN.POH SAID...!" or "REMEMBER THAT DAY ERNEST blah blah blah..." to anyone...

The worst part isn't Mel going away,it's me not fitting anywhere.I've got so much bloated up in me and there's nobody to turn to.I find myself keeping alot of things I would normally tell my best friend inside me.It's as if I can't trust anyone to keep my secret,or maybe I can't find anyone to tell.People close to me are either busy or are moody themselves; people I'm supposed to be close to aren't really that close to me; people I may be able to ,and are more than willing to listen, just aren't close enough.

Friends?I've got friends,many friends.But when I just consider how intimate we actually are,I realise that other than greeting each other,we're nothing but strangers.I don't even know some people's full name!

And even if we were once close,like sharing recess time together everyday for 2 years,we never really spoke about anything.It was always trash.I find myself speaking more and more trash everyday.Nothing about me,nothing personal,nothing of my problems,nothing of how sad I feel,nothing of my worries.I'm always talking gibberish,talking about my dog,talking about some cockroach,about some food,about Lee Hom...it's true there's more trash than gold out there.

Just the other day,mum was carelessly saying how people with alot of friends don't actually have any friends.She doesn't know my problems and was consoling my sister (who's just the opposite of me) .And there I sat thinking, and wondering,is that true?

Anyway,just felt like ranting.And because XV said that blogging and keeping it unpublished doesn't have any purpose,I'm publishing this.