What I think about when I can't sleep. (ii)

.//Inferior

I've become a very weak, easily influenced person.

Tough, strong ,speaks-her-mind-couldn't-care-less-about-your-feelings ,devil-may-care attitude. Decisive, strong-willed.

That was before.

Before what? I don't know.But just think of it as Before and After pictures.

And the after.

I feel incomparable to others,and it's not just today,last week or last month. It's been like this for two years or even more,and I'm not sure if I'm getting the old me back.

I don't know the why,how,when,who or what. I just know that I'm becoming less of what I used to be and more of what I hate to be.

The only thing good that has changed is my capability to contain my anger and sharp tongue.

--- which has given me a timid,tongue-tied disposition.

But is it a good thing?

Maybe.

For one, I've learnt, after my dispute with the senior commitee of LKT, that being straightforward isn't all that great.

In this world,

You wanna climb high, you can't just rely on your abilities.

Abilities, they work after you're off the floor,somewhere on the ladder.

Forget the talk about "if people don't like you,who cares?" or "don't worry about what others think,do things your way" or "if you don't like it,just quit."

You wanna get somewhere,you gotta learn how to talk, who to talk to, who to trust, who you shouldn't trust but still maintain a good relationship with,how to carry yourself in front of the judges, how to make people like you.

It's all politics. But hey, politics exist everywhere, I was just too naive to realise that.

And it's a good thing I went through all the pain and anger back then, and thanks jh for pulling the resignation letter back. It made me realise ...

that things don't always go my way, and that I have to watch my tongue and be nice,even if I don't like it. Well,unless I'm my own boss,but who'd wanna work for someone nasty?
The realisation was good, I tried to fix things, but I think I'm losing myself everyday.

Anyway,back to topic,wait,I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.

I'm somewhat envious of Li May and Brenda. From what I see, *may or may not be the truth* they're just so carefree being themselves. No pretending, no faking anything,no trying to be someone else,no being plain-jane-normal just because they're afraid of people staring.

They give me the impression that they couldn't care less if they had a huge zit planting itself on their cheek,or forehead,or nose. They couldn't care less if people gave them nasty comments about what they were wearing,what bag they were using. They (well,excluding may) couldn't care less if people laughed at their hair, or called them short.

Put me in the situation. I can give you so many incidences of me not doing something,or not wearing something ever again just because someone gave me a nasty comment.I think it's bad that I take everyone's comment into consideration.

(1) I stopped wearing many ear rings because ,well, some people were just so outspoken they said nasty things about me getting many piercings. The results? My cartilage piercing,the most painful tiresome one, the most unique one, decided to shut itself.

(2)I've got these overalls that I never wear anymore because someone said I looked like a painter.And another said I looked like a farmer's girl.

(3)There's this denim skirt that I like alot,and I stopped wearing it after a friend said I was lala in it.

(4)When I was in Std 4 to form 1, I didn't have longer hair because my ears were big,and people called me mickey mouse, dumbo and big ears. (when you tie your hair you sorta emphasize how much your ears stick out)

(5)At one point of my life, I kept pinching the bridge of my nose to make it higher. (I actually think it worked =D) This is because we had our family potrait taken and I was the only one without make up so my nose sorta disappeared from the canvas leaving two holes for my nose. I didn't notice until my brother pointed out how flat my nose must've been.

(6)At another point in my life I didn't wear skirts and was very concious of showing people my legs and hands because I thought I was hairy.

(7)At another point of my life, which is until.........today? Haha, I wore mostly T-shirts and jeans to everywhere out of my neighbourhood and shorts and T-shirt to tuitions. Why? Because I didn't wanna stick out like a sore thumb wearing something I thought was nice but other people might think ugly/too dressy.....

(8)Oh,when I was a kid I had this checkered pants. Something like Brenda's brown one. I stopped wearing it when someone said it looked like pyjamas.

The list goes on.

And I think, no,I know I rely on material things to make me feel good about myself.

I'll feel totally ugly and lose absolutely all my confidence when I'm wearing my glasses. And then I'd start telling Chelle how ugly I feel.

I only have one set of uniform that I like, over the rest. When I wear the Gunny Sack Uniform (in turkey's words) , whereby its cutting is so totally off the mark. (sorry pinafore. T_T) I'll feel ugly. To solve this problem,everytime I have something big coming up, meetings, interviews etc, I'd wear the nice one. I also made Mon,Wed and Fri "nice uniform day" so that I'll wear it 3 times a week as opposed to twice a week. I put maths to good use.

Sometimes ,no,most of the time, I'm thinking to myself, why can't I be more honest and be more of myself regardless of what other people say?

......... but I can't.

Oops, it's the Li May style. haha. See? more of other people.

If only I can be proud,once again, of who I am, flesh and bone, of who I was, of who I will be.

Am I suffering from inferior complex too?

Please tell me I'm not and this is part of growing up and finding myself or something.